Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

© The Weirding, 2015

Clowns Brawl with Animal Rights Activists

According to a report out of San Bernadino, a posse (I guess that's what they're called) of professional circus clowns got into a huge fight with animal rights activists protesting the circus' treatment of animals. According to the article, the activists tried to force their way inside the tent during a performance, sparking the brawl. Activists insist they were protesting peacefully and were attacked unjustly. Two of the protestors were arrested and the circus claims two of their performers were injured.

I don't care how many protestors you got, if little cars start popping up behind you, you're gonna be outnumbered!

© The Weirding, 2015

Korean "Vehicle" Passes Driving Test on 960th Attempt

69-year-old South Korean grandmother, Cha Sa-soon, had to take her driving test every weekday for three years, then continued to take it at a slightly slower pace until she finally passed -- on her 960^th attempt! 

Cha has now become a national celebrity, and even appears in a major commercial for Hyundai. Instructors at her driving school say she is no threat, as it was the written portion of the test Cha continued to fail.

The kicker?  Her surname means "vehicle" in Korean.

© C Harris Lynn, 2010

Parked Car Takes Joyride

A couple who had paid to leave their car in a JFK airport long-term lot while they were away returned to find their car had moved some 724 miles since they last drove it! A CD was also playing at full volume, leading the couple to believe someone took it for a "joyride."

The manager of the lot said the logs showed no suspicious entries and that the lot had never had any previous complaints. However, 724 miles is approximately the distance from New York (where the car was left) to Pittsburgh and back.

© C Harris Lynn, 2010

Martians Give Drunk Man Ride to Strip Club

A 50-year-old man arrested outside of a Wisconsin strip club after crashing his SUV into its entrance told police he had gotten a ride from "Martians." Police say the man was asked to leave the establishment after he vomited in the VIP room. Once outside, the man promptly put his SUV in reverse and slammed into the club's entrance. The report does not indicate the wreck was purposeful; when asked how he was doing, he replied, "Not good. [But I] seen some nice strippers."

Ufologists know what this means. Party in Wisconsin!

© C Harris Lynn, 2010

Monkey Roaming Darwin Streets

Residents of Australia's Northern Territory are being warned to stay away from a monkey authorities say has been spotted roaming the Darwin suburb streets. The monkey, which is thought to have been brought into the area illegally, may bite or attack any who approach it. Monkeys are also known to be quite strong and throw their own poo at others!

Obviously, this is a serious situation, but the equally obvious humor could not be passed-up. While area Christians refuse to believe such a monkey even exists, authorities insist they refrain from approaching any small, excessively hairy, individuals uncommon to the area until further notified.

© C Harris Lynn, 2010

Another Fine Mess...

Carlos Laurel and Andre Hardy, both in their 30s, were arrested in Luzerne County, PA when they attempted to deliver 50 bags of cocaine -- yes, 50 -- to an unidentified recipient. Both were already on probation for prior drug-related arrests. Oliver Laurel also had 10 bags of marijuana -- yes, 10 -- in his waistband, along with an undisclosed amount of cash.

Laurel and Hardy were charged with the following felonies:

• Delivery of a controlled substance
• Criminal conspiracy to commit delivery of a controlled substance
• Possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance
• Criminal conspiracy to commit possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance
• Criminal use of a communication facility

In addition to the following misdemeanors:

• Possession of a controlled substance
• Possession of drug paraphernalia
• Criminal conspiracy to commit possession of a controlled substance

© C Harris Lynn, 2010

Aliens to Eat "Fatties"

Cadbury Gym's holiday advertising campaign has some people upset. The Bristol, England-based gym unveiled posters showing "little, green men" with accompanying text reading, "Advance health warning! When the aliens come, they will eat the fatties first."

The Cadbury Gym is one of the largest, independent fitness centers in the UK. It is attached to the 72-bedroom Cadbury House Hotel, a part of the Hilton-Doubletree chain, but is under different management. It won the European Club of the Year award in 2007. But the advertising campaign has drawn fire from the community and experts.

The manager defends the whole thing as "tongue-in-cheek," and says the purpose of the campaign was to draw-in new members who may have put-on weight over the holidays.

© C Harris Lynn, 2010

Weekly World News @ Google Books

I do not care for the monopoly known as Google. I have been quite vocal about this fact and the reasons are clear and clearly recorded, so I won't go into that here. Still, a whole lot of money has its rewards (even if thousands of laws and people's lives have to be broken to get that money), and this is one of those stories:

Google Books now has a slew of Weekly World News covers from the tabloid's heyday. Read it and weep.

Blood. (From your eyes!)

© C Harris Lynn, 2010

Highway-a-Go-Go

Actual Mugshot

Two 14-year old Kansas City teens were arrested after late-night motorists called police to report go-carts on the interstate.  The reports coincided with alarms at a local entertainment park.  It turns out the pair had stolen the go-carts and were racing them down Interstate 70.  Police saw the two go-carts pulling off the interstate and attempted to apprehend the boys, who ran.

Once in custody, the boys said, "Huh uh-huh-huh-huh-huh. That was cool."

The go-carts were unharmed.


© C Harris Lynn, 2009

Not a Leg to Stand On

David Thorne was short the $233.00 he needed for a payment. Ever-enterprising, he instead submitted a drawing of a spider in lieu of cash. The exchange which followed is truly worth bookmarking.

© C Harris Lynn, 2008

Graffiti Wall Vandalized

A 30'-long wall in Wadebridge Cornwall was erected to give local graffiti artists a place to show off their work. The construction materials and labor was donated by local businesses and not taxpayers. But at least one taxpayer was unaware of this.

Someone snuck into the area and vandalized the wall with the notice, "I PAID MY TAX AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY WALL!!..."

Now it appears taxpayer money will have to be spent on investigating the crime and covering the remark.

The interesting thing is that, while some people find it silly to cover this graffiti, others note there is a difference between graffiti and vandalism, which has sparked interesting linguistic debates. However, all of the townspeople were given the opportunity to discuss their feelings on the project prior to construction, leading Sergeant Robin Moorcroft, who came up with the idea in the first place, to label the vandal a "coward."

© C Harris Lynn, 2008

Monkeys from Mars

During the height of the UFO craze in 1950's America, a butcher and two barbers pulled a hoax that garnered national attention:

Edward Watters, Tom Wilson, and Arnold Payne secured a monkey's carcass, shaved it, dyed it green, and cut off its tail.  They then used a blowtorch to scorch a ring in the middle of a local highway and left the body there.  They reported seeing a "large, red saucer" in the middle of the road, surrounded by 2'-tall creatures, and that they had hit one with their truck.

A police officer took the bizarre report on July 7, 1953, and within hours, the Decatur, GA, police station was flooded with phonecalls from all manner of bureaus and investigative agencies, including the Air Force.

But the founder of the local GBI office, Dr. Herman Jones, and an anthropology professor from Emory, Dr. Marion Hines, unraveled the mystery within hours.  By then, the story had made national headlines.  While the men were fined a modest sum for obstructing a roadway, Dr. Jones was credited for bringing forensic science to the Southern state of Georgia.

You can see the monkey, along with many other oddities, at the Decatur, GA Bureau of Investigation mini-museum -- by appointment only.

© C Harris Lynn, 2008

A Child and His Lawnmower

A Milwaukee man has been charged with Disorderly Conduct (Armed) and Possession of an Illegal Firearm because he got drunk and shot-up his lawnmower.

Keith Walendowski got up, got drunk, and decided to mow the lawn. When his lawnmower would not start, he got up, got his sawed-off, and shot that motherfucker. "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want."

If convicted, Walendowski faces up to six years and 90 days in prison, as well as an $11,000 fine.

(If I didn't already have too many tags, I'd have placed this under "lawn care" and "Dead Kennedys.")

© C Harris Lynn, 2008

Spongebob's Watchful Eye

Spongebob Squarepants now has his squishy, watchful eye all over Colorado's Pike National Forest, thanks to vandals who adorned an abandoned, historic building's chimney with his likeness.

The US Forest Service is now searching for the cats what done it. They apparently used four different colored paints and spent no small amount of time and effort on the endeavor. Representatives say it is just the latest in an increase in vandalism in the area.

It will cost several thousand dollars to remove the image from the historic cabin's chimney. The cabin was used as a base for forest rangers until it was abandoned in the 1930s.

© C Harris Lynn, 2008

Serial Pranksters Get Forked

For the last few years, whenever the Tschudis left home, their neighbors, the Joneses, pulled some sort of prank on them. When the Joneses finally left town, the Tschduis decided to get even...

Over the years, the Joneses have strung beer cans like Christmas lights across the Tschudis' house; they drew chalk outlines on their sidewalk and strung crime scene tape around it; and they even put a for sale sign in their front yard.

When they left town for a wedding over the weekend, the Tschudis decided to try and keep up with the Joneses, so they set about placing over 3000 forks in their yard. When a passerby asked them what they were doing, Mrs. Tschdui explained, "We're aerating their lawn."

© C Harris Lynn, 2008

Dirty Hippies Force Captive Animals to Diet!

Some damn, dirty hippies have decided that zoo animals are too fat, and are putting them on a diet!

True stories, all:

• Jennifer Watts, staff nutritionist at Chicago's Brookfield Zoo, is designing "a Weight-Watchers"-style points program for the animals, allowing them only a few extra points each week, to keep them from developing "love handles."

• Keepers at the Indianapolis Zoo are feeding their bears sugar-free Jell-O instead of the real stuff. Other treats in use at zoos around the country and elsewhere include salt-free crackers, and alfalfa-enriched "biscuits." These filthy hippies hide the snacks in the animals' enclosures, forcing them to locate them on their own!

• The Toledo Zoo has taken a far healthier and more natural approach, feeding their large cats whole calf carcasses, and their wolves roadkill (deer). This forces the animals to expend energy, and exercise to eat -- much as they would in the wild.

Zoo nutritionists first started appearing the 1970s-80s, and now several have at least one on-staff, while many other zoos use them as outside consultants.  Prior to this, many captive animals had a menu not dissimilar to that of your basic housepet or livestock, which often resulted in malnutrition.  Of course, as one expert pointed-out, the zookeepers cannot exactly duplicate the animals' natural diet, so these steps are needed to make sure they get the proper nutrition.

While a valid science, and a necessary one for many zoos and animals, feeding bears veggie-burgers and tofu-bars is a bit hippy-dippy, if you ask me!

© C Harris Lynn, 2008

Post 666!

Avert your eyes! This is, indeed, post number 600 and 66.

Technically, since several posts are in draft form (they have been written, or mostly written, but not yet published), you cannot see all 666. However, I had to note this occasion due to the nature of this blog and the fact that it's just kinda cool.

The number 666 is often scorned by Christians due to the fact that it appears in the book of Revelation as "the number of the Beast." Many Christians will go out of their way to avoid association with the number - in fact, a Louisiana town recently had their phone number prefix changed because of it!

However, many scholars and theologians dispute the actual number, noting it might be a mistake of translation. Further, the actual significance of the digits are also disputed. Some think it may refer to Julius Caesar, who was in charge when the book was most likely first written. As Christians were persecuted, the number may have been used as a sort of "code" to avoid such tyranny.

So, avert your eyes and flee for the safety of your kitchen or bathroom, or maybe your hallway or bedroom. Or you can go into the garage or out on the porch, or maybe the sundeck, if you have one.

This has been the 666^th post.

© C Harris Lynn, 2008

Panic-Buy Carrot Day: May 15th, 2008

Out of sheer silliness, student Freya Valentine decided to create a Facebook group urging members to panic-buy carrots on May 15^th. The group (which I would have linked to, but is apparently overworking Facebook servers now, due to the coverage) has attracted nearly 100k members at the time this entry was written.

While some spin-off and opposition groups have popped-up along the way, none have succeeded as well as the original. Many members are calling for May 16^th to be dedicated to "taproot-based generosity and carrotty philanthropy." They suggest making carrot-based dishes and giving them out to the needy.

Vice-president of the British Carrot Growers' Association said, "Bring it on! Let's try and reach a million members!"

© C Harris Lynn, 2008

Weekend at Virgilio's

A couple of criminals with a past of heroin addiction really needed a fix, so they wheeled their buddy down to the NYC office to cash his social security check. Problem was, their buddy was dead.

An off-duty police officer was enjoying a meal at a local restaurant when he noticed a pair of junkies rolling what he thought was a mannequin down the street in a red office chair. When onlookers began encircling them and making a display, the officer finally decided to see what was going on. He thought it may have been some kind of stunt, but upon closer examination, he realized the corpse in the office chair was very real.

Turns out, the couple had tried to cash Virgilio Cintron's SSI check but when the cashier demanded the recipient be present, the two went back to his apartment, threw his dead body in the chair, and wheeled him on down to the office.

When paramedics arrived, the two feigned surprise, saying, "Oh my God, he's gone?"